


Alchemy Games?!

by stargazerlilith



Series: Roy/Ed Week 2017 Collection [2]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Crack Crossover, Ed Swears, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, No one was harmed during the making of this, RoyEd Week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-21
Updated: 2017-08-21
Packaged: 2018-12-18 12:20:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11874279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stargazerlilith/pseuds/stargazerlilith
Summary: Roy Mustang, gorgeous man of the year, gets the unexpected chance to host a reality T.V. show. What ever could happen?





	Alchemy Games?!

**Author's Note:**

> This is complete and utter crack. I'm not sorry. I hope you enjoy it.  
> Thank you to [ hellosweetie17 ](http://archiveofourown.org/users/hellosweetie17/pseuds/hellosweetie17) for beta'ing this work. She's completely awesome! Check her out!  
> Written for Day 2 of [ Roy/Ed Week 2017 ](http://royedweek.tumblr.com/).  
> Prompt: Crossover/ We could get arrested for this.  
> Side Note- I do not own FMA or Total Drama Island.

“This week on **Total Drama** **_Island!_** _”_

“The campers will begin a new experience, today. But first: Let me start by saying that we are all praying for a speedy recovery for Chris and Chef. Regrettably, due to the rather _unfortunate_ events of last week’s episodes ( where Mike teamed up with Barry the Chopper; an event no one saw forthcoming), they are currently undergoing multiple surgeries. We here at TDI are **_deeply_ ** saddened by these events. However, I will endeavor to do my best as your honored host. The one and Only FLAME ALCHEMIST, ROY MUSTANG!!! STAY TUNED AFTER THIS, FOR **TOTAL DRAMA ISLAND: ALCHEMY** **_GAMES_** _!!_ ”

Roy Mustang paused, making sure to flash his biggest charming smile until the cameraman, Havoc, cued him out.  He pulled out a mirror, checking his unbelievably good looks, blowing himself a kiss. _Who wouldn’t love to kiss that face? Those eyes, dark with a hint of smoulder… that hair… silky soft onyx waves… those lips… delectable to taste…._

“Uhhhh… Boss, shoul’ ya go wake the campers now?” his blond camera questioned, his unlit cigarette hanging loosely between his lips.

Roy blew himself another kiss, placing his mirror into his back pocket.  He had the perfect way to wake up his next victims...uh... contestants.

Chuckling evilly, Roy snapped his fingers, lighting the cabins up in a blaze.  Shrieks, crashes, swearing, and general chaos could be heard from the blazing cabins.

“Boss? Is that safe? Shouldn’t we...I dunno... _Help_ them?”

“Don’t fret, Havoc. I have it all under control. And they did sign a contract absolving TDI of all injury incurred during the show,” Mustang drawled, snapping his fingers again, watching the flames smoulder out.

The singed campers came out grumbling— their pajamas barely covering their bodies. Miraculously, no one was seriously maimed... _injured._

“What.the. _Fuck_.Was.That,” an angry vision of blond bellowed, sticking a finger at his chest.

“Yeah, we could have been seriously hurt, ya know,” a tall blonde girl shrieked, hands on her hips.

“ _Good Morning_ , Campers,” Roy greeted, flashing his devilish smirk. He heard very distinctive sighs of appreciation and winked at them.

“Due to Chris and Chef’s unfortunate— _but lucky for me_ —accident. I will be hosting the rest of the games. Unbeknownst to most of you, there are special campers that have been hidden throughout the season. Today, they will get to showcase their special abilities. Today’s Challenge will be the start of the **Alchemy** **_Games_ ** ! Each alchemist will be paired with another contestant to _hind—er_...aid them. The alchemist must ensure that the other camper reaches the end with them; no exceptions.”

“Oi! Ole man! Does that mean we get to finally blow shit up?”

Roy glanced down to behold the vision below him:  a pint-size, beautiful golden demon clad in very tight black leather pants and a cut-off red shirt. The demon’s hair was a wondrous shade of gold, reminiscence of Rapunzel, braided tightly. This demon could almost compare to his own roguishly handsome self. Smirking, he clasped his hand over his heart and purred naughty words into the teen’s ear.  He grinned wolfishly as the petite blond sputtered incredulously, muttering something about “fuckin’ dirty ole men”. He would have fun with that one. _Yes, Indeed._

“Maybe. Now off to breakfast. You’re gonna need it,” Roy cackled, waving them off.

He watched the ragtag group head towards the mess hall. Hawk was cooking; god help them, the poor fools.

“Havoc, is everything in place?”

“Yeah, Boss. Fuery over there got it all set up. Not sure if it’s legal, tho. They just kids, ain’t they?” the blond cameraman questioned, rolling up the cord as they proceeded down to the mess hall.

“Not to worry, Havoc. Maes is on standby with Knox,” Roy remarked, patting the man’s shoulder. Flashing his biggest dreamy smile, he entered the hall and nearly howled in laughter at the sight before him.

His Hawk, the wondrous Riza, was shooting expertly at the kids’ feet as they complained about the gruel she made them.  Cocking her gun, she raised her eyebrow. Every kid slumped down on the bench, slurping the mess loudly with appreciative noises.

“Sir?”

“Hawk, I need you to patrol during the Games. They still haven’t found Barry.”

“Yes sir,” the severe blonde woman acquiesced, leaving the hall with odd military precision.

“Chopper?! Why haven’t ya’ll found The Chopper? You gonna get us all killed,” a frantic boy with large glasses wailed, his arms waving wildly.

“Games start in fifteen minutes; better hurry up campers,”  Roy called out, ignoring the frantic boy.

\----

Edward Elric was no fool. He had joined this stupid charade, after the TDI Production Team approached him with an offer. The producer spewed a _very_ convincing argument for joining, the light glinting _just right_  off on the black-haired man’s glasses.

So, there he was: stuck with all these fuckin’ _morons_ . Gwen, the goth girl; Duncan, the wannabe criminal; Russell,  his fuckin’ _annoying_ ex; Heather, the stupid rich girl; and a few others including his own brother, Al, who was currently best buds with DJ. The two of them could just frolic in kittens and rainbows.

Scowling, Edward crossed his arms, waiting for the vain bastard to explain the latest fuckin’ challenge. He had seen other people enter the Port- A-Potty confession. But, FUCK NO! He would not get caught fuckin’ dead in that shit-hole. _Literally._

“Oi! Earth to Roy?! Yes, you're still fuckin pretty! Let's get this shit show rollin’,” he growled, snatching the goddamn mirror from the pretty boy host.

“Ah. Edward; you find me pretty. _Why_ , pray tell, didn’t I know this sooner,” the fuckin playboy purred, wiggling his eyebrows.

Shoving the host away from him, Edward stomped over to the rest of the group.

“It's been a long journey, campers. We have seen many of our fellow contestants get the royal flush,“ Roy dramatically paused, flashing the camera a brilliant smile complete with the glint of light bouncing off of his teeth.

“FUCKER! WILL YOU SPIT IT OUT ALREADY?!”

“Now, Edward;  patience is a virtue. Today’s Challenge is simple campers. You will be paired in teams of two— maybe three. You must complete the obstacle course helping your —dead wei—...ahem... Your camper survive... to the end using your Alchemy prowess. Now for the team's,” Roy announced, giving a smouldering look. (Several girls and some boys swooned from the overwhelming power of his smoulder.  “Alphonse is with DJ,  Russell is with Heather, Ms. Fletcher and Gwen, hmmm... Ed you’ve got Ling and Duncan.”

Edward groaned, tuning out the rest of the pairing. He just didn’t fuckin’ care. _Just fucking great._ Duncan, wannabe badass and Ling, pretty boy fucker, who kept trying to get into his pants—literally! _Why him?!_

\-----

The camera panned out, zooming on each reaction of the campers: Alphonse and DJ dancing and hip bumping;  Fletcher shly eyeing gothic Gwen; Russell was shooting dirty looks at Ling;. Duncan was groaning; Ling desperately trying to hug the sputtering Edward.

“Alright! Campers! Good luck; try not to die,” the onyx haired host sang, backpedaling away,  snapping his fingers, chuckling maniacally.

Suddenly, the area erupted in flames with no apparent escape other than the boats in the distance. Hurling themselves forward, all of the contestants scrambled towards the lake.

Edward Elric, The Fullmetal Alchemist, boy wonder, clapped his hands together then touched the ground beneath him. Columns of rock in the shape of a gigantic hand began to slap at the flames.  Meanwhile, the rest of the campers safely ran onto the boats, beginning their journey. Ling and Duncan watched in amazement as Edward somersaulted into the boat stunted by the display of Edward’s magnificent power. Only to spurn into action when Edward screams at them  to ‘ _Hurry the Fuck Up_ ’!

The camera panned away from the campers on their watery journey, focusing back on Host Roy Mustang. The camera zoomed in as a heated discussion was taking place between Mustang, his chef, and Producer Hughes.

“I’m telling you, Roy. Mike was found in pieces?! This is getting a little dangerous for these kids. We are gonna have to pull the plug,” Hughes, producer extraordinary—the man responsible for hits such as Diva Island, Bad Boys vs. Mean Girls, and Who’s that Mom?—argued, voice edged in concern.

“Maes, I have Riza patrolling. He’s no match for her. Riza, any sightings?” the vain host implored, puppy dog eyes trained upon them.

“No, Sir.”

“See? They're  safe, Maes. Let them finish this task at least. Riza, go shake things up for the campers,” Roy assured, blowing a kiss to the producer, sauntering off.

Maes shook his head, muttering about vain hosts and liabilities.

\----

“Welcome Back to **TOTAL DRAMA ISLAND: ALCHEMY** **_GAMES_ **!!”

“Our campers have had a grueling time during this challenge. Let's have a recap: Here we have Russell desperately trying to save gold digger Heather with his vines on a extremely perilous cliff—too bad for him—Alex Armstrong, sensing their distress, barrelled in—declaring his fealty to the pair vowing to save them both. Spouting: ‘it had been in his family line for generations to help the youth’— using his strong fist wielding his alchemy's gauntlets knocking the entire cliffside down taking the contestants and several others with him. Ooo... that hard to hurt…Never fear...They are currently be treated in Dr. Knox’s facility.”

“Now back to our other contestants. Lets see how they are faring in the dangerous woods, the last place Barry the Chopper was seen.”

\---

Edward groaned, carrying the dirty lech Ling. The fucker whispered god awful things in his ear, insinuating some very _interesting_ positions while they trudged along. Duncan, the little shit, was giggling like a schoolgirl;  Al and DJ were FUCKIN’ skipping through the goddamn forest. He hadn’t seen Gwen and Fletcher anywhere since Russell and Heather’s epic demise. That shit was glorious. Good riddance to the both of them! He never laugh so fuckin’ hard.

The birds above them started to stir, crooning their distress. Ed stopped, peering around, causing Duncan to crash into them.

Ling wiggled his eyebrows. “Want some of the action then, Mr. Bad Boy?”

Edward groaned and dropped Twiddle Dum onto Tweedle Dee, telling them to shut the _fuck_ up.

“Oooh, I love it when you get fie—” Ling crooned before a hand silenced him, wrenching backwards in a tumble of limbs.

Above them, maniacal laughter could be heard echoing through the trees chanting, “Chop... Chop ...Gotta find me a pretty girl.. to Chop”.

Cursing, Edward and Alphonse clapped their hands together, making spear-like lances and flanking the—dead—um...Other campers.

Shots rang through the trees; Fletcher and Gwen appeared swinging through the trees, using vines like Tarzan and Jane.  More laughter and screeching echoed around them. Running forward, Alphonse scooped DJ up. Edward omphed as two ‘ _bad_ ’ boys scrambled onto his back, making them look like a fuckin totem pole.

\-----

Roy chuckled with Maes and Havoc. The weary group of campers marched up the hill towards the finish Line; Little Edward was carrying the Camp’s playboy and bad boy on his back and shoulders. He quite enjoyed the view of Edward shirtless muscles displaying such raw strength. Alex was banged up and bandaged, beaming with sparkling pride at his prodigy’s poweress.

“Campers, we are glad to see you are alive. Unfortunately for you, Gwen and Fletcher won this round. Never have we seen such a magnificent display of smarts and vinery,” Roy acknowledged, gesturing wildly at the two winners.

“For winning this challenge, you get to spend the night at the Hotel with all the luxuries. Enjoy, ladies!”

Roy waved the giggling girls over to Breda, who sped them away in the company car to enjoy their reward.

Roy spun on his heel, raking his hand through his hair, grinning like a madman at the campers.

“Tonight, will be a double _Elimi-NA-tion_ . Come Ready to depart with the _Ro-ya-l_ Flush,” the handsome host crooned.

Roy pulled his mirror out, beaming down at his reflection so brightly, the light refracted and blinded the bystanders. He murmured, “And I will see. _you_.tonight. Gorgeous.”

\---

Edward groaned, pillowing his head into his hands. The little shits bickered like children over spoiled little toys. He had had enough!

“Ya’ll little shits, get the fuck over yourself. NO, LING you greedy little shit; I will not help you fuck yourself,” the petite blond alchemist screeched, slamming the door behind him to a faint ‘Brother’.

He was tired of their fucking shit. He should never had join this shit show. He knew for a fact that the little fuckers were backstabbing little shits planning their little revenge in the damn toilet. So _FUCKIN’_ Gross!

Edward, unaware that he was being followed, stomped towards the forest and continued his tirade on idiots and fuckers.

\----

“Well _Hello_ Campers! I know, I know. You don’t see me much—I’m usually behind the scenes. But... Roy ...Ah ...can’t be found at the moment. Now, let’s tally the votes and see who gets their marshmallows,” Maes exclaimed, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Uh, Sir?  Edward is missing, too. He got angry and ran off the woods,” Alphonse pipped up, worry etched in his voice.

“Sir? We still haven’t located Barry,” Riza supplied, cocking her gun.

“Well _Shit._  Welp, let's go find us some alchemists then, shall we,” Maes ordered, his expression very grim.

\----

Deep within the woods, awful noises could be heard: painful moans, cries of panic, and grunts of pain echoed throughout. The group of rescuers carefully scurried their feet; they had to get there before only pieces could be found!

A cry of “Edward” with a responding tearful “Roy,” spurred everyone into a sprint.

Havoc rounded the tree, moving past Riza (cocked and ready to shoot) and stumbled into a baffled Maes. Fixing his camera, he peered around the producers shoulder to the sight before them.

Roy was literally pants down, tangled around the barely seventeen Edward Elric; both of them very clearly disheveled and panting. Havoc grinned when Maes started hysterically laughing.

“Well it's about time, you found someone Roy, but couldn’t you have _waited_ until the show wrapped up?” the producer giggled madly. “Gonna be such a PR nightmare. Unless. … Unless...”

Maes paced back and forth; the light glinted off of his glasses as he tapped his finger to his chin.

Edward, a cute tomato color, wrapped his legs more firmly around Roy, trying to preserve his decency. “What’s he doing?”

“Well, my delectable sweet, he’s planning our future it seems. Don’t put it past him to try to get us married on T.V... Thank God, you’re legal. Otherwise, I could have been arrested for this. Wouldn’t want that; I’m far too pretty for prison….” Roy drawled, shifting himself a bit, causing the younger man to groan.

“Cocky ass bastard! Stop! FuuuCK! Roy, are they fuckin’ filmin’ us like a damn porno,” Edward gasped out, hitting Roy on the shoulder.

“Well, I do love an audience. Maes, could we have some privacy,” Roy commented.

“Alright... Alright. The Royal flush will have to wait…. Hahahah, Someone get that gargantuan toilet put back until tomorrow,” Maes called out, ushering his fellow...lackeys...uh... Co-workers with him.

“Now, where were we, my little sweet treat,” Roy purred, kissing Edward’s neck.

“WHO the FUCK are you CALLING So LITTLE THA-” he gasped, tilting his head backward in a very wanton display.

“ _Oo_! Lookie, what do we have here?” a malevolent voice questioned.

Suddenly, an axe swung down landing just centimeters from the tangled couple followed by a heavily armoured man wearing a mask.  

“Let’s have some fun!”

Roy and Edward shared a look between the two of them before screaming wildly.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Check out [**My Tumblr**](http://stargazerlilith.tumblr.com/post/153802245539)


End file.
